Let’s play a game, it’s called Hey, do I really like these clothes or do I just think they look good because the model is skinny? Because I keep forgetting I’m not skinny anymore and can’t just wear whatever the fuck I want of the rack.

Righty-o, I just sat here for half an hour, squinting hard, because I thought my vision was going blurry from the monitor or something. Turns out I had lotion caught in my lashes and that’s what was obscuring my vision. 


I’m going to sleep.

I keep trying to read the Rita Skeeter article and I just. cannot. get through it. It’s like the magic is just gone :(. Maybe it’s time for a HP reread.

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Just got to ‘the’ Kutner episode. :((

Gonna watch Harold and Kumar to recover.

Just got to the part in House where he needs to hire a new team. All the baby doctors I love! Kutner! Amber! 13! *cries big tears about their futures*

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Had a tooth pulled, a bone graft done and two teeth filled today, so my plan for the night is to finish this bottle of wine, pop another Vicodin and then pass out without brushing my teeth.

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I’m rewatching House and the scene where House, half out of his mind after an induced coma, demonstrates the surgical robot on Cameron is one of the goddamn sexiest scenes in the whole show. How??

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Well, sounds like my neighbors are fucking again. Great. Go them.

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Today, my dog killed a baby bird, one of my tadpoles went belly up for no discernible reason and I gave myself a migraine by not eating enough and then going in the sun. Like I do once a week when it’s hot out, you’d think I knew better by now! So yeah, bit of a downer today. :/

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Ugh, I’m having a mild but escalating anxiety attack over finances. I have this old, OLD (over ten years) student loan that I’ve defaulted upon because I was living out of the country for a while. It’s not huge, less than $4000, and because we’re looking to buy a house now I’ve contacted the collection agency and said I’d be willing to pay of a percentage of the entire amount right away, so they submitted my offer to the company. 

So today I get this SUPER aggressive letter from the original loan company just having a total shit fit and demanding the money or they’ll garnish my wages (what wages?) and it’s just super mean and attacking and I am *willing* to pay the fucking thing, why do they have to be such complete assholes about it? I guess I’ll call them tomorrow and deal with this but in the meantime, I am too freaked out about it to sleep. I fucking hate money. Can I just pay everything off and go live in a hut in Alaska?

Ugh, I don’t know what to do any more. I put my kid to bed TWO hours ago (around 10 pm). He is STILL awake and he keeps coming out of his room to -go to the bathroom, get some water, get the second dog (the one that doesn’t usually sleep with him. He already has one in his bed!), tell me he’s thinking of scary stuff, to ask me to read a book, to get some more water, and just ON and ON. 

We have to get up at 7am tomorrow and it’s already after midnight. Poor kid has inherited my sleep disorder and I don’t know what to do. He gets plenty of exercise and good food. We were outside all afternoon, he was running around with his friend and they played in a fountain for hours. It doesn’t matter what time he gets up, he will drag out bedtime for aaaaaages. He just doesn’t get properly tired at night, when normal people do, and every since I can remember, neither did I. 

I used to work 13+ shifts at a vet and instead of sleeping enough, I’d stay up until 3am, crash for four hours, get up, go to work, run on adrenaline and sugar, then go home and be wide awake! Then, on my day off I’d pass out for 14 hours and then do it all again. It’s insane! I’ve tried melatonin, warm milk, not having caffeine (when I’m tired, I can drink a cup of coffee and go to sleep right away, so yeah), no electronics two hours before bed, warm baths, nothing helps! We’re just wired up wrong or something. My son has been like this since before he was born! He’d start in utero acrobatics at 1am on the dot every night once he was big enough to move around. 

So yeah, it leads to so much frustration though when we try to synch up with the rest of the world :/. If I could just live out on 40 acres somewhere with no ‘real life’ responsibilities I’d just sleep whenever and let him sleep whenever. But right now I need him to be asleep so I can drag my carcass out of bed tomorrow at 7am (at the latest) and go do stuff with other people and be pleasant. Ugh. Wish me luck.

Dammit I stayed up so “late” that my upstairs neighbor is getting up for work (he’s in the Navy). Way to make me feel like a lazy slacker, asshole. 

My son is ~super~ excited for Easter tomorrow and I’m not really sure why. The only thing out of the ordinary will be searching for candy and small presents around the house. Maybe we’ll dye some more eggs, but we already did that in the last few days. Still, he can’t wait to get up tomorrow. 

I figured, hey, if he’s that psyched, I’ll take him to the park for the public easter egg hunt, yeah? Make it a surprise. Then just before bed he comes to me and says: “Remember last year we went to the park to hunt for eggs? Let’s not do that again.” I thought I’d misheard so I clarified: “You *don’t* want to go to the park?” “No, I just want to stay home and do what I want to do.”

Done and DONE, kiddo. I hope this is a sign for the future because I despise public events like that. Unlike Halloween, we’re you just have to show up and look cute to get candy, egg hunts are such a fucking competition. I can’t remember a single year where he actually got away with a decent amount of loot, because he’s just not the “go and grab it” kinda kid. 

So I’m looking forward to a nice, calm, ordinary day tomorrow where I can sit on my couch while my kid ‘hunts’ for candy eggs and chocolate bunnies around the living room. 

Why is it that I always have the worst sleep when I have to get up early? I kept waking up a sweaty mess despite having the window open and the fan on and I dreamed that a building collapsed around me and I had to live in a sort of cave underground for almost four months before I got rescued (and my son was with me!). This is the second time in two weeks I dreamed about a building falling down around me, wonder what my subconscious is trying to tell me. But yeah, I’m tired and cranky and still somewhat shaken from what was a legit nightmare.

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Funny how you can think you’re friends with someone and then they just move across the county without warning and without saying goodbye. Between that and mortgage people not calling me back I’m starting to wonder if I have a big “just ignore me” tattooed on my forehead.